It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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