Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
