why didn't you poke me back
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
