I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
