I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Pants are for mortals
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