new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
