I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish you could order shots online.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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