I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i now understand why vodka
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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