operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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