Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she peed on how many people?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
