eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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