I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
