At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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