You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
