I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
