The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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