Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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