I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
