There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
