Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
