just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
