I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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