Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
