Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
