Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
