I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
