Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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