I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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