dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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