Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
