Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
