She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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