so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
