I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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