Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
