i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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