threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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