Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
