he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
