Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
