I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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