Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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