Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
