Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
