maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I cut my penus on the lid.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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