dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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