The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
