and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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