You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
