Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
