Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
