I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
